Hi! I'm Coach Franny, and I empower families with challenging children to come together as problem solving teams through a Mindful-Ish® approach to parenting.
Co-parenting isn’t always easy. Navigating different sets of co-parenting rules can add an extra layer of difficulty to the challenge of co-parenting. You may have one approach to discipline – but your co-parent could see things differently. It’s important to manage your child’s expectations so they aren’t getting mixed messages, but this can be especially difficult when the child is living in two separate homes with two sets of rules – even more so if your relationship with your co-parent is not healthy. In this blog we are going to break down some Mindful-Ish® approved tips to make co-parenting rules a bit easier on you and your child.
This tip is less about your child and more about you. If you put time and energy into trying to control what happens at the other house, you will drive yourself crazy. Instead, focus on what you can control. The other house? That’s Vegas, baby. Focus on your time with your child and how you interact with them in your own household, because at the end of the day, that’s the only space you have control over.
Say this aloud, “I embrace acceptance for what I cannot control and find the courage within myself to take action where I can.
You and your co-parent may have different views when it comes to how to parent, but you both want what is best for your child. When events take place that you disagree with or your co-parent handles something differently than you would have, it can be easy to believe their intentions are to spite you. Try letting go of that reaction and embracing the belief that your co-parent is making the best choice they have at the moment. Even if they are trying to spite you, choosing to assign a helpful intention to their actions helps your brain-body system stay in a healthier state.
Say this aloud: “I choose to see my child’s/children’s mother/father through the lens of love rather than fear. They are doing the best they can. I am doing the best I can.”
Don’t hold your kids responsible for your co-parent’s decisions – especially when they are decisions you don’t agree with. Let’s say you have a rule in your home that bedtime is 8pm on school nights: no exceptions. Your child spends a school night at your co-parent’s home and they stay up until 11pm watching a movie. Your child knows the rule at your house is 8pm, but they really wanted to stay up late to finish the movie. Your child is not responsible for breaking your rule – your co-parent made an independent decision. We’ll let you decide how to handle that conversation with your co-parent, but when it comes to your child? Remember that they are not the parent, and it is not fair to hold them responsible for decisions that their other parent made – whether you agree with the decision or not.
Say this aloud, “I willingly breathe through the disappointment/anger/frustration I feel about the inconsistency between our two households.
While it is important not to blame children for the decisions made by your co-parent, we can still communicate to help them make better decisions in the future. Communication does not have to equal confrontation, and the more frequently and openly we communicate with our children and co-parents, the easier it will be for your child to navigate the different sets of rules in each household.
For example, you can ask your child what happened that made them stay up past their bedtime. They could respond with something like, “I really wanted to see the end of the movie, so I asked and was allowed to finish, even though it was past my bedtime,” or “Dad/Mom started watching a movie and asked if I wanted to watch with them so I said yes.”
Your instinct may be to get upset that bedtime was ignored, but instead of blaming your child or co-parent, you can communicate your concerns about staying up late and how it affects them the next day. Then invite your child to problem-solve with you.
Ask, “I wonder if there is a way you can have movie time with Dad/Mom and get a good night sleep. Do you have any ideas?”
This may open the door to understanding their concerns or they might think of a solution they are willing to propose to the other parent.
This example is just one of many ways that you can practice open communication with your child and encourage them to make healthy decisions. Whether they’re at your co-parent’s house, a friend’s house, or later on in life, they will likely be faced with opportunities to do things you don’t agree with. But we can’t control our children, just like we can’t control our co-parents, so sometimes the best thing we can do is just communicate.
Say this aloud, “I willingly listen to and consider all perspectives.”
For more help navigating the complicated emotions (and logistics!) associated with co-parenting – check out Mindful-Ish® GameTime! GameTime is a monthly membership filled with workshops, coaching calls, and other resources for families looking to find community and guidance as they embrace the Mindful-Ish® approach to parenting.
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